Couples therapy: when is it time to seek help?

A romantic relationship of any kind can be such an enriching part of our lives. The feeling of joy, intimacy, support, totally uninhibited fun and a deep sense of interpersonal connection would just be scratching the surface of all of the good things a relationship can bring. So with all of the wonderful endorphins rushing around at the start of a new relationship, or when things get more serious, perhaps when we feel a sense of security and intimacy or achieve fulfilling milestones in our relationships, it can be hard to understand where things maybe started to go wrong. How can a relationship that once lit up our world become a source of frustration and resentment, and how can we make this better?

Of course, given that each relationship is one of a kind, there isn’t a single answer or cause for what might lead to a relationship breakdown. There are, however, signs that might indicate it’s time to put some work into a relationship that was once such a positive part of your life.

Communication Issues

You might have already picked this one, but the most common issue that is seen when relationships break down is a problem with communication. It might seem ironic that understanding or communication could be the problem when this is someone you know perhaps more personally than anyone else, but this very dynamic might be part of what’s happening here. When we know someone really well, we might be able to pre-empt their actions or understand bigger meanings behind smaller words. While we might sometimes be correct in our guesses here, it’s important to remember they’re just that: a guess. No matter how well we know someone, none of us are mind readers, so making assumptions can cause a rift when we might not fully understand what our partner is really trying to communicate.

Behaviour and intimacy

When communication in a relationship takes a bit of a tumble, we can understandably feel pretty resentful or frustrated. These feelings can change the way we approach our partners through body language and displays of affection or intimacy. To connect with another person in an affectionate, intimate way, we have to be quite vulnerable. We’re putting ourselves out there to say “I need some love”, or “I want to feel close to you”. That’s a vulnerable position to take when there’s any potential to feel a sense of rejection. If we’re feeling resentful or frustrated, we’re not likely to take such a vulnerable position with our partners. As you can imagine, when these cycles of communication breakdown and changes in behaviour occur, we can start to feel pretty isolated from someone that we’re actually trying to pull closer to.

Relationship status, everyday life and stress

No two relationships are the same, and each will establish its own dynamic. Being in a monogamous, open, polyamorous or does-not-need-a-label relationship will each come with its own bends and curves to navigate. While finding a partner that meets you at your level and shares your expectations of a relationship can be an empowering and fulfilling experience, naturally, there may be some challenges that come with this. Outside of the little world that our relationships become is the big wide world that we face everyday. Things that we all have to attend to, such as work, education, finances, family and other everyday challenges can indeed be a source of stress. In LGBTQIAP+ relationships, there may be additional challenges, such as marginalisation or discrimination that can contribute to this. We need support and downtime to manage and cope with all of these things, all of which might be even more difficult when you feel disconnected or uneasy with your partner.

When a relationship becomes a source of stress itself, this can impact our mental health at an individual level which may result in anxiety, depression or other mental health stressors. Deterioration of a relationship can also result in emotional, financial and physical forms of domestic violence. Unfortunately, the risk of self-harm and the potential for harm caused by a partner is much higher in domestically violent relationships, and you should seek immediate support for this by utilising the services listed at the top of this post.

What might be apparent here is that together, each of these domains in a relationship can begin to snowball into problems that feel bigger and perhaps too far gone to come back from. If you feel that unhelpful communication dynamics, a change in affectionate or intimate behaviours, the status of your relationship or an overall sense of dissatisfaction has clouded what was once a connection that brought much happiness and positivity to your life, it might be helpful to seek external support. It’s important to seek relationship counselling sooner rather than later to ensure that these dynamics don’t become entrenched and cause significant damage to the foundation of a relationship. A qualified relationship therapist can work collaboratively with couples to identify and improve unhelpful communication styles, help find ways to improve intimacy and navigate the everyday stress that can impact us all. Clearing the fog that covers all of the wonderful things that a relationship was founded on can be not only a positive experience, but a way to move forward with someone you love.

You can contact Excel Psychology to discuss our options for relationship therapy. We’re here to help.