How to Practise Active and Empathetic Listening in Relationships

Understanding before responding: Transforming the way we connect 

When it comes to nurturing a thriving intimate relationship, communication is often cited as the cornerstone. Yet, while we may think we’re great communicators, there’s an art to truly listening that is often overlooked.

Active and empathetic listening moves beyond simply hearing the words spoken; it involves an intentional focus on understanding what your partner is sharing — both verbally and emotionally. In an age where distractions abound and quick replies are the norm, learning how to listen with the intent to understand, rather than merely to respond, is a transformative skill that can deepen connection, foster trust, and enhance intimacy. 

Listening to Respond vs. Listening to Understand 

One of the most common pitfalls in intimate communication is the tendency to listen with the primary goal of crafting our reply. If we’re honest, how often do we find ourselves waiting for a pause so we can jump in with our perspective, defend our stance, or offer a solution? This automatic “listen to respond” mode can create an invisible barrier, making our partner feel unheard, dismissed, or misunderstood. It’s a habit rooted in defensiveness, a desire to be “right,” or a fear of vulnerability. Instead of helping, it can escalate misunderstandings and erode emotional safety in the relationship. 

By contrast, “listening to understand” is about being present in the moment, setting aside your internal monologue, and focusing wholeheartedly on your partner’s words, emotions, and body language. This form of listening tells your partner, “You matter to me, and I value what you’re sharing.” It creates a space where both individuals feel safe to express themselves without fear of judgment or interruption. It’s natural to feel defensive if your behaviour is being criticised, but try to tune in to the underlying feelings or fears your partner may be expressing.

The Power of Empathy in Listening 

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another’s shoes, to feel what they’re feeling and see the world from their perspective. In an intimate relationship, empathetic listening means tuning in not just to words, but to the underlying emotions and needs. It requires curiosity, patience, and a willingness to experience discomfort if your partner’s feelings are difficult or confronting. 

When you listen empathetically, you signal that you are emotionally available and genuinely care about your partner’s experience. This can be as simple as acknowledging their feelings: “It sounds like you felt really hurt when that happened,” or “That must have been difficult for you.” Such responses convey understanding and validation, which are powerful antidotes to conflict and alienation. 

Practical Steps for Active and Empathetic Listening 

Active and empathetic listening doesn’t just happen; it takes conscious practice. Here are some practical steps you can incorporate into your relationship: 

1. Give your full attention: Put away distractions such as phones or TVs. Make eye contact, face your partner, and use open body language to show you’re engaged. 
2. Listen without interrupting: Let your partner finish their thoughts before responding. Resist the urge to jump in, correct, or defend. 
3. Reflect and clarify: Paraphrase what you’ve heard to make sure you understand: “So, what I’m hearing is that you felt left out when I didn’t include you in that decision. Is that right?” 
4. Validate emotions: Acknowledge the feelings behind the words, even if you see things differently. Validation doesn’t mean agreement — it’s about recognising your partner’s emotional reality. 
5. Ask open-ended questions: Encourage your partner to share more by asking questions like, “Can you tell me more about how that made you feel?” 
6. Be patient: Sometimes your partner may need time to find the words, especially if emotions are high. Give them the space they need. 

Making Effective “I” Statements 

Part of empathetic communication is expressing your own feelings honestly, without blame or judgement. This is where “I” statements come in handy. An “I” statement focuses on your experience rather than criticising your partner, reducing defensiveness and inviting constructive dialogue. The basic structure is: I feel [emotion] when [situation] because [reason]. What I need is [need]. 

For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me!”, try: “I feel lonely when I talk and feel like I’m not being heard, because being understood is important to me. What I need is to know you’re really hearing me.” This approach expresses your feelings clearly and invites your partner into your emotional world, rather than putting them on the defensive. 

Here are a few tips for crafting effective “I” statements: 

• Start with your feelings (“I feel…”), not accusations (“You always…”) 
• Describe the specific behaviour or situation, not your partner’s character 
• Share the impact it has on you and what you need moving forward 
• Stay open to your partner’s response and perspective 

The Ripple Effect of Active and Empathetic Listening 

When both partners commit to listening with empathy and responding authentically, the ripple effect on the relationship is profound. Trust deepens, misunderstandings decrease, and both individuals feel safer to share their innermost thoughts. Over time, this creates a resilient partnership capable of weathering challenges and celebrating joys together. 

No intimate relationship is immune to conflict or hurt feelings, but every couple can choose to listen actively and empathically. By doing so, we make our connection a safe harbour, where vulnerability is met with compassion, and every voice is truly heard. 

If you’re finding it difficult to reconnect or feel heard in your relationship, speaking with a psychologist can offer a space to unpack these patterns and rebuild trust. Contact Excel Psychology today to discuss relationship counselling.