When trust is broken

Humans are social creatures, we need human connection. The bonds of friendship do more for us than we realise at times, they strengthen us, support us, allow us to live fulfilling lives. But when those relationships change, especially when the people we thought were close become hostile and contemptuous, our world can turn dark. Sometimes, the people we trust turn against us in ways we couldn’t have predicted. 

Few experiences cut as deeply as betrayal. The pain is compounded when someone close to us shares untrue information about us with others, making other distrustful. This kind of rupture affects more than just the relationship itself - it can ripple into our wider social world, leaving us feeling misunderstood, isolated, or unsure who to trust.

It is completely understandable to experience anger, sadness, confusion, or a sense of injustice. Having strong feelings doesn’t mean you are “overreacting” - it simply reflects how important the relationship was and how deep the impact has been.

While betrayal can be destabilising, it is important to allow yourself the opportunity to grieve and grow. There are compassionate ways to support yourself as you navigate the emotional aftermath.

Why betrayal hurts so much

Human relationships are built on trust and a sense of shared understanding. When this is broken - especially through dishonesty - it can challenge fundamental beliefs about safety and connection.

There are a few reasons betrayal can feel so painful:

It affects our sense of identity. Being misrepresented can shake how we see ourselves, and how we think others see us. It threatens belonging. Research suggests that social rejection activates brain regions associated with physical pain  - so interpersonal hurt can feel intensely physical. It removes certainty. We may question our judgment: “How did I not see this coming?” “Can I trust others in the future?”

Importantly, when someone lies about you, it can say more about their internal state than it does about you. People may misrepresent others for many reasons - insecurity, jealousy, difficulty managing emotions, or trying to avoid accountability. None of these reasons justify the behaviour, but recognising this can help you take their actions less personally. A person’s choice to distort the truth is not a reflection of your worth or character.

Understanding these layers can help normalise the intensity of your feelings and remind you that recovery often takes time.

Ways to support yourself after betrayal

1) Validate your feelings

It’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions, including anger, grief, numbness, or disbelief. These responses are part of how the mind processes loss and protects us from further hurt.

Allow space for your emotions without pressuring yourself to “move on” too quickly. Journalling, grounding exercises, or talking with someone you trust can help you process what has happened.

Your emotional response is not a sign of weakness - it reflects the significance of the relationship and your capacity to care. These are good qualities to have and important to retain in your post-betrayal life.

2) Anchor yourself in trusted relationships

When trust has been broken, leaning into relationships that feel steady can help re-establish a sense of safety. This might mean spending time with people who know you well, or gently sharing your perspective with those who have heard conflicting information - if that feels appropriate.

Sometimes, people who care about you will remain curious and open. If others accept untrue information without checking in, that can be painful - but it may also offer clarity. Supportive relationships are grounded in empathy, dialogue, and shared respect.

If someone repeatedly dismisses your experience or contributes to ongoing harm, it may be appropriate to reconsider how close that connection is. Creating boundaries or putting distance in place can help protect your wellbeing. Rather than viewing this as “cutting people out,” it may be helpful to see it as choosing relationships that feel safe and affirming.

Adjusting your social circle does not mean you’ve failed - it can reflect growth, self-worth, and a commitment to surround yourself with people who treat you with care and honesty. You deserve nothing less.

3) Focus on what you can control

It can feel tempting to correct every misunderstanding, especially when misinformation affects your reputation. But trying to manage what others think can be exhausting.

“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”

• (Often attributed to) Mark Twain

Instead, consider shifting focus toward what is within your control.

How you choose to respond

While we can’t always control what others do, we can choose how we respond.

Responding thoughtfully begins with acknowledging your feelings without judgement. You might take some time to reflect before deciding what comes next. Some people find it helpful to talk with a supportive friend or a therapist, while others prefer to journal or create space to think.

Your response may involve:

• Asking questions to understand what happened
• Expressing how the situation has affected you
• Choosing not to engage further
• Seeking support to process the event
• Taking time before deciding on next steps

There is no single “right” way to respond - only the way that aligns with your values, needs, and wellbeing. Thoughtful responses help protect your emotional health and prevent impulsive decisions driven by pain alone. In time, you can rebuild, better than before.

The relationships you invest in

When trust has been broken, it can be helpful to reflect on the relationships you want to nurture going forward. Some people may continue to earn a place in your life by being honest, supportive, and willing to repair ruptures. Others may show - through repeated behaviour - that they are not able to engage in a healthy or respectful way.

Choosing who you invest your time and energy in is an act of self-care. Healthy relationships are not perfect, but they involve:

• Mutual respect
• Honest communication
• Consistency
• Willingness to reflect and repair
• Support during both easy and difficult times

If someone has lied about you or acted in ways that harmed your reputation or emotional wellbeing, it is reasonable to question whether that relationship is still safe or beneficial. Sometimes, painful experiences help clarify who values your trust - and who does not.

Letting go of certain relationships does not mean you are unforgiving; it means you are prioritising your wellbeing and surrounding yourself with people who bring safety, kindness, and honesty into your life.

Boundaries that support your wellbeing

After a betrayal, boundaries are often essential. Boundaries are not about punishment - they are about protection and clarity. They help you decide what kinds of behaviour you will accept from others and how you will safeguard your emotional space.

Examples of helpful boundaries include:

• Limiting contact with someone who has caused harm
• Keeping conversations focused on neutral topics
• Choosing not to share personal information with untrustworthy people
• Requesting that others refrain from speaking about you without permission
• Leaving relationships that are repeatedly disrespectful or unsafe

Boundaries can be temporary (while you assess what’s best) or long-term (when repeated patterns have shown that change is unlikely).

Healthy boundaries allow you to:

• Feel safer
• Regain confidence
• Protect your emotional energy
• Rebuild trust with yourself
• Engage with others from a place of strength

Setting boundaries is not a sign of weakness - it is an act of self-respect. When trust has been broken, boundaries create the stability you need to heal, reflect, and move forward.

Your personal values

When trust is broken, revisiting your personal values can offer clarity and direction. Values represent the qualities that matter most to you - such as honesty, loyalty, kindness, fairness, or courage. Even when others act in ways that conflict with these principles, your values can guide you in deciding how to move forward.

Reflecting on your values might involve asking:

• What kind of person do I want to be in this situation?
• Which of my values feels most important right now?
• How can I respond in a way that aligns with who I am, not just how I feel?

Values-based responses help shift the focus from the other person’s behaviour to your own choices. This can be especially grounding when someone has acted in a way that feels unfair or confusing.

For example:

• If you value honesty, you might choose to be truthful even in the face of dishonesty.
• If you value compassion, you may respond firmly but without cruelty.
• If you value self-respect, you may decide to step away from relationships where trust cannot be rebuilt.

Staying connected to your values doesn’t mean ignoring pain or letting others off the hook. It means honouring what’s most important to you as you recover. Acting from your values can help you maintain dignity, reduce regret, and rebuild trust - not necessarily in the person who hurt you, but in yourself.

It may help to ask:

Who do I want to be in this situation? 

What aligns with my integrity? 

What supports my wellbeing right now?

Your identity is not determined by someone else’s narrative. In time, many people find a renewed sense of strength and clarity about who they are - and what they deserve in relationships.

Final thoughts

Betrayal is painful - especially when it involves dishonesty from someone close. The emotional impact can be far-reaching, affecting our confidence, sense of safety, and relationships with others. But healing is possible.

Re-establishing balance often involves:

• Validating your feelings
• Leaning into supportive relationships
• Setting or strengthening boundaries
• Focusing on what is within your control

Remember, living well (and thriving!!) is the best revenge. Over time, many people find that they grow in resilience and clarity. Relationships that lacked honesty may naturally fall away, making space for deeper, more supportive connections.

You don’t have to navigate this alone. Speaking with a mental health professional can provide a safe, neutral space to explore your experience and develop strategies that support your wellbeing.

If you feel it would be helpful to talk with someone, you are welcome to get in touch with our team - or speak with your GP about a Mental Health Treatment Plan (MHTP) to access psychological support.

We’re here to help you move forward at a pace that feels right for you.