Why Do We Push and Pull in Relationships? Understanding Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Patterns

Have you ever felt like you’re always chasing closeness while your partner keeps pulling away—or the reverse, where you feel overwhelmed and need space just as they need connection most? You’re not alone. Many couples find themselves caught in this painful dance, unsure how to step out of the cycle.

What’s Really Going On Beneath the Surface?

Attachment theory helps us make sense of these patterns. It’s not necessarily that one partner cares more than the other—rather, each is trying to feel safe, in ways that can unintentionally trigger the other.

People with an anxious attachment style often fear being abandoned. They seek reassurance, connection, and emotional presence. When they sense distance, their nervous system responds with urgency—they might call, text, worry, or withdraw in protest.

Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to prioritise emotional independence. When things feel intense or emotionally charged, their instinct is often to create space—by turning inward, becoming quiet, or shutting down emotionally. It’s not about rejection—it’s about regulation.

When these two patterns meet, a push-pull cycle can take hold. The more one partner seeks closeness, the more the other distances themselves. And the more one withdraws, the more the other panics and pursues. Each person ends up feeling unseen and misunderstood—even in relationships full of love.

Understanding this cycle is a powerful first step. These attachment styles aren’t “bad” or broken—they’re learned ways of coping. And with awareness and care, the pattern can change.

Three Small Shifts That Can Make a Big Difference

1. See the pattern as the problem—not the person Instead of blaming each other (“you’re too clingy” or “you always shut down”), try to notice the cycle you’re both caught in. Naming the dynamic helps reduce defensiveness and opens space for compassion and change.

2. Pause before reacting Attachment reactions are fast and often automatic. Whether your impulse is to call five times or go silent for a day, practice pausing first. Breathe. Reflect. Ask yourself: “What do I need right now? What might they be needing too?”

3. Create small, consistent moments of safety Trust is rebuilt in the little things. A warm message, a check-in at the end of the day, following through on plans—these micro-moments of reliability and care are the foundation of emotional security for both partners.

What If This Is You?

If any of this feels familiar, you’re not flawed—and you’re not alone. Our attachment style is shaped by our early experiences, but it’s not fixed. With the right support, these patterns can evolve into more secure, connected ways of relating.

If you’re curious about your attachment style or feel stuck in repetitive relationship dynamics, our psychologists can support you in exploring these patterns and building healthier connection. While online quizzes and self-help resources are useful starting points, tailored therapy offers deeper insight and strategies for lasting change.

Mikulincer & Shaver (2016); Levine & Heller (2010); Simpson & Rholes (2017).

Contact Excel Psychology, or speak to your GP about a Mental Health Treatment Plan to begin your next step toward more secure, fulfilling relationships.

References

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (Eds.). (2017). Attachment: The fundamental questions. Guilford Press.