Our hardwired need for connection: let’s talk about attachment science

Written by Felix Frain, Provisional Psychologist

When it comes to understanding the way we experience human connection in our lives, from friends to family, attachment science has a lot to say. The science of attachment has developed categories of attachment styles, which are patterns of behaviour that can be observed in the way individuals form bonds with significant others. These are established in early childhood and extend throughout our lives. Our attachment style can contribute to how we experience and process emotions, the way we interact socially, and more broadly, our overall well-being. Attachment involves a deep, enduring connection that aligns with our needs from others, and the way that we communicate these needs, which can influence how we perceive, approach, and navigate our relationships.

One of the most prominent therapies that draw on attachment science is Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT has been developed through years of research. It is known for being effective for individuals, couples and families in addressing distress that may originate from a range of experiences such as disharmony in our interpersonal relationships, unmet attachment needs or perhaps a situation that has knocked our trust feeling deeply attached to others.

So what attachment styles are there?

While many attachment styles have been identified in research, EFT focuses on three main domains of attachment that are most helpful in a therapeutic context.

Secure attachment

Securely attached individuals have a well-developed emotional vocabulary and can express their needs openly to others in their life, such as family or their romantic partner. Secure attachment has been observed as a factor in positive mental health, rewarding interpersonal relationships and lower levels of psychological distress. EFT therapy can assist in building upon secure attachment or fostering ways to build more secure attachment strategies for those who may experience an anxious or dismissive attachment style as discussed below.

Anxious attachment

Anxious attachment is often experienced as a sense of longing to connect and feel secure in relationships, but an inner experience of anxiety raises fear of being left or abandoned. This fear can lead to navigating a relationship in a way that causes more emotional distance than connection. EFT can help clients to explore the experiences in which anxious attachment strategies were developed, and tune into and navigate the distress this attachment anxiety causes. This process in EFT can assist clients in reducing attachment anxiety and developing a more secure inner experience of attachment to others.

Dismissive/Avoidant attachment

A dismissive/avoidant attachment style is often characterised by a very high level of independence and self-sufficiency which is associated with a tendency to minimise the importance of, or desire for emotional closeness and attachment to others. At the centre of this attachment style is often an experience or strongly held belief that others are not trustworthy, and any form of dependency on others is likely to result in being emotionally wounded. Similarly to anxious attachment, EFT can assist in making sense of the experience associated with a dismissive/avoidant attachment style. It can also help clients attune to the emotion and attachment needs that are being carefully protected within.

Emotion focused therapy draws on the understanding that humans are bonding mammals biologically wired for connection to others. EFT recognises that attachment to others helps us to feel safe in the world, regulate our own emotions and know where to turn when we need support. When we feel emotionally isolated or disconnected from those we care about, we experience attachment distress, which activates our attachment system as a way of responding to and navigating this distress. Depending on our attachment style, the emotional and behavioural response to attachment distress, and how this is communicated to those around, will vary. With an understanding of our attachment style, we can begin to make sense of these experiences and navigate them in a way that aligns with our true attachment needs.

Through EFT, you can begin to develop an understanding of your own attachment style and the powerful impact this can have on your own wellbeing through improved self-efficacy, self-esteem and interpersonal relationships.

You can see which of our psychologists offer EFT by looking at our team page or calling our friendly reception staff to discuss how we can help.